This section is updated regulary. Check back for new jokes each week.
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THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
(oh if only!!)

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.

3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

20. No, my powers can only be used for good.

21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.

23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

28. Just fuck off and stick your head back up your arse!

29. You could tell me how to do my job if you were earning my wages, but if if that was the case, you would have left by now.

30. Talk to the arse cos the face aint listenin!

31. Excuse me, where did you come from? Who are you? Who am I? What am I doing here?

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
(this is brilliant)

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Insist that your e mail address be: 'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com' or 'Elvis-the-king@companyname.com'

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

6. Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a 'must do')

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

10. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

12. Don't use any punctuation

13. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

14. Ask people what sex they are.

15. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

16. Sing along at the opera.

17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

18. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

19. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'm taking a shit."

20. Put mosquito netting around your toilet cubicle.

21. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party 'cause you're not in the mood.

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JOKE OF THE DAY

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple, who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him and make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck ... he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you too." !

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-Quote of the Day -
I used to be a bestial sado-necrophilliac, until I realised I was flogging a dead horse...

Thanks to Glen Peters Esq. of Bognor Regis for that masterpiece

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An Adult Pig Story

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

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A Man and his Wife

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,and pinched her on her butt, and said, "You know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife up with a pinch on her breast, and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother."

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Irritations in Life!!!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say _ Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too_ Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say _it's always in the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film _did you see that? _ No tosser, I paid £5 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask _ can I ask you a question? _ Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is _new and improved - Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say _life is short._ What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks has the bus come yet?_ If the bus came would I be standing here, tosser?!

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Life Begins @ 80?

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says,

"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest." "That's impossible Doc! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

"Exactly" replied the his Doctor.

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Please be advised that this page is new and will be updated soon. Check back for a new joke each day....however in time there will be a resource of hundereds of rib ticklers to choose from. thanks.