Section 1 - The office Olympic games

Office coxless fours	Office Grand Prix

Section 2 -THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
(oh if only!!)

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.

3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

20. No, my powers can only be used for good.

21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.

23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

28. Just fuck off and stick your head back up your arse!

29. You could tell me how to do my job if you were earning my wages, but if if that was the case, you would have left by now.

30. Talk to the arse cos the face aint listenin!

31. Excuse me, where did you come from? Who are you? Who am I? What am I doing here?

Section 3 - How to Lark about at work

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3. Insist that your e mail address be: 'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com' or 'Elvis-the-king@companyname.com'

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

6. Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a 'must do')

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

10. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

12. Don't use any punctuation

13. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

14. Ask people what sex they are.

15. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

16. Sing along at the opera.

17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

18. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

19. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'm taking a shit."

20. Put mosquito netting around your toilet cubicle.

21. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party 'cause you're not in the mood.

More to come.............stay tooned!